It’s also not in my nature to willingly take on something that I’m not absolutely positive that I’ll be fairly exceptional.
This might sound a tad braggy, but really it’s more about my fear of failure and rejection. And maybe it is about my pride. I’m sure it is.
It’s all wrapped up together really: fear of failure and pride.
Because what am I afraid of? That people will judge me and not think I’m awesome? Because mostly I’m not talking about life or death stuff, I’m talking about everyday life stuff and more specifically my post -ministry employment choices.
I started work with the United States Postal Service on Saturday.
On the one hand, I really love the Postal Service and many of the reasons I love it were confirmed on my Shadow Day on Saturday when I got to ride in the jump seat of the right-side drive jeep vehicle thingy. In the USPS they call it a LLV BTW. They (and now I guess we) really like abbreviations.
I had a great trainer who is passionate about his work. He talked about how at least one person everyday gets something he or she really cares about in the mail he delivers and that makes his work worthwhile. And let me tell you, it’s hard work. His route has two of the steepest streets in all of Portland.
We walked up them.
For 6 solid hours we walked and drove around the West Hills carrying pounds of paper and packages and it was pretty cool. But there are parts of this gig I’m not sure I’ll get the hang of. There’s the possibility that I may have to drive one of those aluminum boxes on wheels on my own super windy narrow route.
This terrifies me.
Then there’s the idea that my dyslexia may get the better of me and I won’t sort and deliver fast enough. There is also the concern that this full-time position won’t leave me enough time to focus on my writing and the forward motion of my book; an important piece of this next part of my journey.
None of these things are life or death (OK the driving thing could ratchet up there but that would be WAY OUT OF CONTROL. Breathe, breathe.) and, in a few months, I’ll have gained that incredibly pricey thing called perspective and view this time differently. The cost of that perspective is the experience and that’s another area I’m poor in.
So, here is what I know today:
Things will always change. What’s important is how I react to that change. For example, I was assigned to a new station today. Today my belief that God is in charge of my journey won out and that together we can do incredible things so I didn’t completely freak out. As opposed to yesterday, that is an entirely different story.
There is a chance I will ultimately fail and that’s OK. Really. Strangely enough, I’ve always wanted to be a letter carrier least once in my life. It’s one of my random life goals, along with learn to play the accordion and speak French and publish a book. I’m taking them two at a time I guess. We’ll see how that works out.
I will amaze myself. I woke up at 5 AM and made it to my in-class training on time and incredibly prepared. 5 AM! I wasn’t aware I could do that.
*Isn’t Mister Rogers the BEST!!! Be kind. Be a neighbor.