Alyssa Sellers

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Hazy Shade Of Winter

Apartment View~ Portland, OR~ January 2012

(Because life isn’t all sunshine and roses, I am posting something I wrote a few days after the New Year. In a couple of days, I will post the post script to this story.)

When I was in Louisiana over Christmas I walked to my parents’ church as the sun was setting at 6 PM. It was beautiful. Six PM! How novel! The sun sets at 4:40PM in Portland in December. It’s pretty brutal. Needless to say, it’s winter and my hibernation has begun. I find myself not wanting to walk the five or so blocks in the dark to see my friends up the street. I blame the darkness, but part of it is the uncertainty. I don’t have any answers to any of the questions people ask me and it overwhelms me.

When is your lease up on your apartment? January 31.

Do you know where you are going to move to? Nope.

What are you looking for? I don’t know.

How much do you want to spend? I don’t know.

Who is going to support you as you do full time ministry? I don’t know.

What are you going to say to people to encourage them to support you? I don’t know.

I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know!

And what I really want to say is that if you can’t honestly reply with something that is actually helpful and constructive then DON’T ASK!

I don’t want to hear it. I don’t need your added disapproval heaped upon my personal feelings of failure and worthlessness. Trust that I do a pretty marvelous job of judging me. That position has been filled.

So I avoid situations with multiple people. Because what is worse than being asked all those questions; being asked all those questions in front of multiple people.

I feel old today. Old and tired and worn out. Like a toy on the shelf at Goodwill. Goodwill’s better than the alley, right?



Express Yourself

Last year I wrote a book. No, it’s not published, but that does not discount the fact that I wrote it. It’s not perfect but I do think it should eventually be read by lots of people. So if I really like you or if I really want you to represent me, I’ll let you read it.

This year I’m writing a blog…and eating crow. Part of the blog creation process is picking out a profile photo. I chose a photo I took on my way back from the Oregon coast a week after my 30th Birthday. I was trying to capture a particularly profound moment. I tried smiling then I tried laughing. I ended up with the photo you see here:

So this photo I took: I don’t know how often I make this face or what I was thinking when I made it or if I think the same thing each time I make it. But, I have a feeling my friends and family might know. They see me, sometimes, much better than I see myself.

I think that’s why God gives us relationships, so we can better grasp reality. My version can be quite skewed sometimes. Thankfully, I’ve been given a wonderful collection of people who enable me to see the world through their various relationships with God and me. It’s a beautiful thing. Not a one of us is perfect or even close to it, but, together, we are working life out.

That’s what I think this photo is: a singular point in time when I knew truth. And that truth is captured in my understated expression: “This is me. This is it. I am currently certain of almost nothing in my life…but I am working life out.” That is what this blog is – life working itself out.